Let’s learn how to make French Toast, okay?

Yes indeedie my pretties, anyone at all can make French Toast.  Even a flying monkey I’ll bet!  Hell, even I  can make this delicious battered-fried-and-flipped breakfast treat so I know a flying monkey could make French Toast after being shown how to make it once or twice!  (Having skated by on my movie star good looks and my undeniable charm all my life hasn’t left me with much in the way of “incentive” to learn any special culinary arts, you know?  Yeah, RIGHT!   )

It ain’t easy being me, especially in the kitchen.  But here it goes….my idiot proof, step-by-step tutorial about how to make the bestest, fluffiest most mouth wateringest po’man’s breakfast on the planet.  Maybe even in the entire the galaxy.

How To Make French Toast For Fools, Blonds and Foolish Blonds:

Hey, I am a blond so I can totally say that!  After that first unfortunate marriage I definitely fall into the ‘fools’ category, as well.  So, if I have one finger pointing at you then there’s absolutely three pointing back at me….but can you guess which finger was up my nose all day? Anyhoo, where was I?  Ah, yes….

The making of the toast bearing the name of a country reknowned for unbridled passion, beheaded royals and the lack of fear her military strikes in the hearts of invading armies….

What you’ll need if you want to know how to make French Toast:

Bread.  Man.  Thicker breads tend to hold up better and help you achieve that really fluffy texture that true afficionados crave more than Sarah Palin craves attention.  Texas toast works well.  Just make sure it’s not the kind that’s been pre-brushed with garlic flavor….YUCK!  Unless you’re pregnant and you want syrup covered, egg dipped garlic bread….in that case, GODSPEED.

If you want to know how to make French Toast, you’ll also need the following items:

An Egg or two.  You can usually get 3 or 4 thick slices of bread done up with one egg.  You can also use a liquid egg substitue, or even just egg whites if you’re trying to avoid additional cholesterol or the color yellow.  Hey, who am I to judge?

A Frying Pan.  I prefer the one that I bought 25 years ago because it’s no longer actually flat on the bottom and makes cooking anything evenly a real crap shoot.  (For my upcoming wedding anniversary I told my husband that the traditional 10th year gift is “Teflon.”  However, after having received a surge protector and an orange coffee mug sporting the “01″ of The General Lee, maybe I’ll just pick out my own damn frying pan.)

Fork.  That’s f-o-r-k and should not be confused with the expletive that I use so much that I had to get myself a swear jar.  A quarter goes in every time I say something that isn’t “fork” but it’s close.  It a very big and heavy jar.

Last but not least for learning how to make French Toast is:

An Ugly Bowl. Yes, it has to be an ugly bowl, like mine.  It reminds me of how much I really hate my former in-laws because it was a gift from them.  It also reminds me of what a good life I have now.  See?  It’s a happy thing, my ugly bowl!  Anyway, your ugly bowl should be large enough to hold one slice of bread with enough room around the sides to get them coated in the egg easily.

How To Make French Toast

• Take your egg and crack it open in the ugly bowl.  Take the fork and beat it until it’s all creamy and fluffy and of a uniform yellow color.
• Place your frying pan on the stove and turn the heat to medium.  A pan that’s too hot will burn the bread without actually cooking it through.
• Spray the pan with a non stick spray (butter flavored spray is fab-ooo).
• After the pan is heated up (about three minutes, give or take) coat the first piece of bread in the egg.  Do not let it soak, just dip it in and flip t quickly, coating all surfaces.  If you let the bread sit in the egg too long you’ll have soggy French Toast.  Ick!
• Immediately place the bread in the pan.  It should sizzle.  With the fork, lift up a corner of the bread to keep an eye on how it’s cooking.  When it’s the color you want, flip it over with the fork and do the same thing.  When it’s cooked the way you want it just remove it from the pan and place it on a plate.
• Repeat with other pieces of bread if you want more than one.
• Serve up with butter and syrup for a sticky, sweet breakfast you’re gonna love.

And that right there is how to make French Toast, Mamma Crass style.

If you’ve enjoyed learning how to make French Toast from the Master French Toast Maker, let me know. If you enjoyed learning from me, instead, let me know that, too, ‘kay?  

How To Make French Toast

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